Whilst researching our current story, The Paris Awakening, we have come across a startling fact. It seems that the fiendish swine at the heart of the story, Messers Clackprattle and Pook, have had an alternate career before their appearance in these pages. Why, the scurrilous swine had been busy bamboozling the good and honest folk of the British press. Can you imagine!
Their modus operandi was to invent some fictitious, scandalous tale regarding a famous personage. They would then contact members of the journalistic profession with aforementioned stories and attempt to extract money from these poor deluded souls. The details that these devils supplied were naturally as lurid as possible in order to extract the maximum payment possible. Luckily we have been able to uncover this practice and find the tool they used to perpetrate this fraud. We present it below. By choosing a sequence of random numbers one can quickly generate some fictitious “news” stories.
We can only thank the good editing principles of the more moral periodicals and hope that such a swindle isn’t visited upon other more modern forms of communication. For how would an honest chap know what was real and what was not?
Yours – in shock and horror
Mr Michael and Miss Pichette
|Number||Famous Personage||Scurrilous Act||Dubious Location|
|1||Sir Arthur Conan Doyle||Consumed a voluminous quantity of French pastries||In a poorhouse|
|2||Dr David Livingstone||Entertained a lady of questionable moral standards||In the Queen’s bedchambers|
|3||Miss Florence Nightingale||Dined with a gentleman of lesser breeding||In a nunnery|
|4||Her Majesty Queen Victoria||Imbibed a significant quantity of alcohol||In the House of Lords|
|5||Mr Charles Dickens||Participated in a bizarre occult ceremony||In an opium den|
|6||Mr Isambard Kingdom Brunel||Danced around in a state of undress||In a house of ill repute|
|7||Mr Oscar Wilde||Formed a daguerreotype of a lady’s ankle||In Paris|
|8||Mr Aleister Crowley||Smoked a frightening quantity of opium||In St Paul’s Cathedral|
|9||The Rt Hon Benjamin Disreali||Drank a full pint of laudanum||On the royal barge|
|10||Mme Marie Curie||Executed a painting of a nude gentleman||In the Peruvian embassy|